Beard Playoffs

It's always bothered me that I can't grow a beard.  Not that I would necessarily grow one, but it would just be nice to know that I had the ability to grow it.  At best, my facial hair can be described as "patchy," and that's definitely a stretch.  My twin brother Josh can grow a decent beard.  It's full below the chin and decently full on his face.  But hey, I'm not hating, I'm jealous.

The NBA playoffs started on Saturday and one can't help but notice the tremendous facial hair that is being grown by today's NBA stars.  So in celebration of the start of the NBA Playoffs, and in celebration of facial hair, I have decided to combine the two.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you the Facial Hair Playoffs.

Round 1

#1 James Harden vs. #4 Andrew Bynum

Our first matchup is between probable Sixth Man of the Year James Harden and Los Angeles Laker Big Man Andrew Bynum.  Harden has one of the finest and largest beards in the NBA.  It's definitely a source of pride for the Oklahoma City fan base.  Bynum recently sprouted this fresh new goatee, probably at the request of Kobe, in hopes that this will be bring greater maturity for the big man for the playoffs.


Edge: Harden

#2 Reggie Evans vs. #3 Gilbert Arenas

Our next matchup puts #2 seed Reggie Evans versus #3 seeded Agent Zero.  With Reggie Evan's track record of being a great teammate, and Arenas, well, not being a great teammate to say the least, Evans gets the lean.  Plus I'd take that illustrious beard of Evans's over Arenas's goatee any day.









Edge: Evans

#1 O.J. Mayo vs. #4 Mike Miller

#4 Seed Mike Miller is clearly over-matched here.  His patchy scruff is no match for this behemoth of a beard/neard that #1 seeded O.J. Mayo has going on.  This thing rivals Donovan McNabb in his hey-day.



Edge: Mayo

#2 Tyson Chandler vs. #3 Stan Van Gundy

Tough matchup here between Stan's mustache and Tyson's scraggly beard.  Chandler's beard has brought increased toughness and intensity to New York this season.  But Stan's mustache...Wow.  It's a thing of beauty.  It's got 70's porn star written all over it.  It rivals Burt Reynold's famous 'stache.  If Stan can win a title before his time in the NBA is over, it might go down in history as one of the greatest mustache's to ever grace our presence.




Edge: Van Gundy

#1 Chris "Birdman" Andersen vs. #4 Hedo Turkoglu

#4 seeded Hedo is in a tough spot against the Birdman.  Hedo's facial hair is extremely scraggly and he can only manage a neard.  While Birdman should probably be penalized for having a "FREEBIRD" tattoo on his neck, he keeps his dignity by trying to cover it with this beard.




Edge: Andersen

#2 Ronny Turiaf vs. #3 Mike Woodson

While #2 seed Turiaf has a tremendous face of hair, you've gotta admire Woodson's goatee.  It's a picture of perfection.  Full, and well groomed.  I'm extremely jealous.






Edge: Woodson

#1 Baron Davis vs. J.J. Redick

#4 seeded J.J. has a beard that I would strive for.  But that doesn't amount to much.  Its patchy and scraggly.  While Davis may be well past his prime, his beard most certainly is not.  The beard is still alive and well in New York.

Edge: Davis

#2 Marc Gasol vs. #3 Chris Paul

Paul's beard is your prototypical chin-strap beard. It's a picture of perfection.  But Gasol's beard is what every man strives for with a beard.  It gives him power and makes him appear to be a lumberjack.  This beard is intimidation.

Edge: Gasol

Round 2

#1 James Harden vs. #2 Reggie Evans

Tougher match up here, but you still gotta give it to Harden.  You could hide a family of birds in this thing.






Edge: Harden

#1 O.J. Mayo vs. #3 Stan Van Gundy

Mayo is trying to attain Baron Davis status with his beard, but he's just not quite there yet.  Van Gundy on the other hand is the standard for mustaches.

Edge: Van Gundy

#1 Chris "Birdman" Andersen vs. #3 Mike Woodson

Birdman is a great comeback success story, but Woodson's goatee is just too good.  Birdman looks like a meth dealer that has a lab in his trailer.  Woodson on the other hand keeps it classy with a well-groomed goatee.









Edge: Woodson

#1 Baron Davis vs. #2 Marc Gasol

Davis's beard is classic.  But Marc Gasol cannot be stopped.  He is a man among boys with his beard.  See picture -------->








Edge: Gasol




Round 3

#1 James Harden vs. #3 Stan Van Gundy

While Van Gundy's mustache may be a legendary 'stache, it's also a tad on the creepy side.  Look at this picture.  He looks like a registered sex-offender.  Harden, however, has a beard that just makes him look jolly.  Stan's run stops here just because of how he looks like a middle school gym teacher in this picture.

Edge: Harden

#3 Mike Woodson vs. #2 Marc Gasol

While Woodson's goatee may be well-groomed, it's the all-natural, mountain-man look that Gasol has going that pushes him over the edge.  That beard is just plain intimidating.  It will lead Memphis deep into the playoffs.  And remember, Grizzly Adams did have a beard.








Edge: Gasol




The Finals

#1 James Harden vs. #2 Marc Gasol

Harden was destined to win this championship.  You knew it, and I knew it.  Look at the respect his beard holds around the league.  Baron Davis, the king of the beard bows in respect of his once young padawan.  While Gasol has a powerful beard, Harden is the obvious choice.  Game, set, match.

Winner: James Harden

*Unfortunately for everyone, Lebron James and Gregg Popovich shaved their beards prior to the start of the playoffs, so they didn't make the list.